How is it that I say I'm a radical feminist, yet I have difficult relationships with my sister, my mother, and my younger daughter? Why do I easily blame them, and not myself?
Why am I researching in newspaper archives and libraries for details of the life and death of my great-grandmother, yet I currently devote so little energy to my living female relatives, those women who are alive NOW, and with whom I find it so difficult to get along?
Why do I bristle when someone close to me hints that I am accountable for the troubles of my younger daughter? And hints come my way subtly, from my partner (I didn't discipline her enough), from my mother (I didn't baptise her), from my older daughter (I'm too hard on her), and from my own self (I had a life of my own in addition to motherhood).
What good comes from blaming, anyway?
What happened to all the love, effort, love, time, love, attention, love, help, love, creativity, love, work, love, tears and LOVE that I lavished on her--throughout her 21 years of life? Is it now just as if I never gave her any of that? Was it wasted energy, start to finish?
It seems so.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
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9 comments:
Hang in wonderful woman. Just keep delving and accessing what's inside. Your answers won't be the ones that work for anyone who knows you. They'll just have to, we'll just have make our peace with whatever kind of peace you make. Having said that :)
I think the contradictions in all our lives as feminist wimmin are crazy making and fairly upsetting. These contradictions are also spaces where our political critiques can potentially be made more human, less draconian, less tortuous, more authentically layered and filled with meaning. This is not a path easily travelled. This is not a popular approach to crafting a feminist agenda. This is not really an acceptable approach. But it is the essence of feminist praxis where we ask ourselves and each other how do you live your politic? How much of your politic can you fully and truly live? What happens when feminist political ideology bucks up against the lived realities of those of us who call ourselves feminist? And how do we breathe, find peace and not go completely mad when it does?
Second Waver, you know where I am, enh? You have an indefinite invitation to come and sit with me. I know some of what you see and read doesn't sit well with you. I know that.
But I offer my place as a venue of discussion and exploration as you pose necessary questions to yourself, nonetheless.
Hugs. Be well.
I appreciate your listening, hearing, offering of yourself.
You help me more. Even more than you know.
Will be by.
nothings happened to the love and time you gave her, its just sitting there waiting for her to discover it and understand it. shes only young, it takes time.
hope youre ok. x
She will be back. You were and are a wonderful mom. I should know...I was with you during those tumultuous years. You were always there for her. You helped out in all of her activities and her friends.
You wanted to check out a movie before she saw it..that was love.
It is so hard letting go.
I wish you could come to about what you are going through. It was hard for me too. Remember all the shopping with her at the mall? Oh god you hated the mall. How about the girl scout cookies? Her band practices you attended in the rain and boiling heat. You worried about her.. not all moms worry as much..you gave her your best love.
d
Dear secondwaver,
as a girl/woman slightly older than your daughter (I'm 24) I know that it takes time to understand the kind of love a parent has to offer.
But, as DD has already said, we all have to find our own truth and balance regarding the "how" of our relationships. I have had a difficult relationship to my father, never really accepting the kind of father he was and what he had to offer to me. Only recently did this resolve and it was one of the most miraculous, blissful experiences in my life to feel the love between us flow naturally and normally again. It was so beautiful to see that in our "conflict" was locked so much healing power, so much love, respect, support...
I sincerely hope that it will be similar for you, that all the conflicts and problems between you will reveal to be signposts on a path that will ultimately hold love, joy, and freedom for you and your daughter.
Secondwaver, I don't think I have ever commented on your blog, but I have been a "secret" reader for a long time. Part of why I never wrote anything was that I felt most of your posts didn't need an "add-on" from my side (esp. since English is not my mother tongue and it would have taken me the whole day to type an answer that says EXACTLY what I want to say :) ). But now I would like to send a Triple Award your way, saying thank you. Your readers have different motivations coming here and personally, I enjoy your blog as a means to connect to and learn from women who are in a different phase of womanhood. I am inspired by your willingness to question yourself and others; and many of your posts have left me looking at things with new eyes.
You can check the award-thingy here: http://lilylotus.wordpress.com/2009/02/18/my-first/
but beware, it's so uber-sweet it might glue your eyelids. :) But it stands for great attitude, and that you certainly do have.
All the best to you and looking forward to reading more from you,
Lily
I hope so, v. Thanks for this. Some things you blogged about your parents and you, when you were about this age, have been weighing on my mind. I really appreciate your words.
d--thank you. Much love.
Hi Lily,
Thanks for what you said, and especially for the story about you and your father.
Nice to meet you!
Secondwaver -
I think it's a stage that most people go through. I think it's encouraged by our culture to hate and blame our mothers, each other, all women.
Your daughter will be fine. She will come to remember your love. I believe that completely.
You did fine. You loved and cared for her. Now it's time for her to love and care for herself.
Much love,
Claire.
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